Happy Halloween!

Fertility Friday- Cycling

Cycling.

That is what I have noticed I am doing recently.

I go from completely depressed when yet another period comes around to excited and ready to face it all again.

Emotional cycling.

When I get my period lately I feel myself get so low (I refer you to this post). I stop all fertility books I am reading, I stop being good about charting, I get depressed. Then, as I literally turn a new page on my fertility calendar, hope sets in again. I pick up my fertility book again, I begin getting better about charting again. I start living again. Then the week I am supposed to ovulate comes and I am filled with hope, a little stress and a lot of control as I try to "time things" just right. (God bless my husband for dealing with this.) Then there is the inevitable "two week wait" I talked about in this post. At that time I am filled with calm for the first week in which I always think I am handling it well to eagerness, excitement, hope, and anticipation in the last week in which that glaring "test date" looms ahead. Then I get my period which obviously leads to disappointment and sadness. And the cycle repeats.

I have reflected on this a bit and I think it is good that I am on this "roller coaster" of emotions. It means I still have hope. It means I am recovering from each let down. It means I have faith. It means I am still human in all of this.

So, much like a woman's menstrual cycle, so to are my emotions, one big cycle.

Cycling both physically and emotionally.

Cycling.

LOL

That is all I can say. Lately this little man just cracks my husband and I up. He has such a personality and is showing it. Here are some things we find ourselves laughing about...

- Twice now our hot water hasn't come on. Why? The little man somehow managed to sneak flipping the furnace switch off.

- Watching him sing and dance and play guitar is wonderful and funny. He has such passion when he does it.

- He has taken to this one-eyed Taco Bell dog I used to have in my car from college. It is hard plastic and ugly but he loves it. He carries it around, pats it, kisses it and tells it to "STAY!" when he puts it down. My husband even witnessed him "checking in" on the dog and repeatedly telling him to stay and getting in its face like it wasn't listening. LOL.

- He loves to be without a diaper so this kid has no sticker chart for peeing on the potty. He gets naked time!

- He loves to use "one more minute", "two more minute" or occasionally "5 more minute" but his negotiating is off. If he can't get "one minute" he may think it reasonable to ask for "5 more minute" LOL.

- He loves to get a laugh lately. More recently, he said something was "mmm, mmm good" and did it over and over while eating his ham dinner.

- He has officially labeled himself a "busy boy." He definitely is but that is all he is in his mind. If I say he is a "funny boy" I am immediately corrected :)

- He has started to say, "Don't touch" when he wants you to leave something alone...food, toys, etc. You would think we took stuff from him a lot or he had a sibling...lol.

- He talks a lot so he can tell a good story now...this always makes for some laughs.

I could go on and on but this is just a sampling. Gosh he has a great personality. He brings such a smile to my face lately and just when I need it most. Love ya buddy!

Prayers Please

Just a quick note to ask for prayers please for Cole for Friday afternoon. Cole has another urology appointment for his ongoing "issue." We will be meeting with the actual doctor and not his PA this time. I am just praying for the best and least painful option for Cole. That is what I really want anyway.

If I think about it too much I don't want a re-circumcision for my now 2 year old son. It is painful, he gets it, he is potty training. I also don't want another painful adhesion removal again either for the same reasons. I just want it to be over for him. My ultimate prayer is that this is really it for Cole; that he is done getting adhesions but history doesn't seem to give me hope that that is true. I am using a gel barrier still to prevent adhesions. I can't keep that up forever. He still has a lot of extra skin. He looks uncircumcised. Will that bother him? Should I worry about cosmetics? He may care later. See...too many questions. So I keep my prayer simple. I pray for what is best for Cole. I pray for God's healing touch. I pray for an answer from the MD I am happy with and we (including Cole) can live with. For this I pray. Amen.

Click Below :)

http://www.russellcaronphotography.com/cole_hyson_102210

Poll Results: Outgrown Clothes/Toys

I am surprised so many of you said to keep the clothes/toys. I am curious, do those of you who said this plan on having more children? If not, do you just have a hard time letting them go? Do you have other plans for the clothes/toys?

I have decided to keep all of Cole's outgrown toys and clothes right now in the hopes of having more children. So, right now our basement has a lot of rubber tubs with clothes in it that I pray I am able to pull out to use sometime soon.

I finally packed away the first tub of toys of Cole's this weekend. For some reason this was hard for me to do (thinking back I think packing away that first tub of clothes was too.) Once I got started and looked at all the toys I was still leaving out and how I hardly noticed them missing, it wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, once I got started I think my husband was worse than I was! He kept telling me to keep out a lot of stuff I tried to put in the tub :) It was fun looking through the toys and books with my husband. I probably should have separated out those few things we both said how we remembered how much Cole loved those but I pray someday soon another little bundle of joy will use them so I am not ready to weed out yet :)

Most of you said to keep just a few special things and I think that is what I will eventually do. Although, part of me says to keep a lot of it because Cole has played with several toys and worn some clothes that both my Mother and Mother-in-Law saved of Tony's and my brother's and that has been so special. Hmmm.....I could do the same for Cole's children right? :)

Some of you said to sell the stuff and I think I will do that if there is not someone I know who I could give it to. I will first try to give the stuff away when the time comes because I have been so blessed to have several family and friends give me clothes and toys, which has saved me so much money. I am forever thankful to them for their generosity so if I get the chance to do the same for someone else I will. BUT, I am not ready for that yet...I am still banking on having my own little one to reuse all of Cole's stuff on :) (Ideally 2 or 3 insert Tony saying I am nuts here more but I cannot be greedy, although God does say to ask for what your heart desires because he can do immeasurably more than one could ever imagine right?) :)

Regardless, I think actually packing stuff away (it took me forever to pack away my breast pump for gosh sakes!) just reminds me of how much my little boy is growing up. It is bittersweet for sure.

Now, I think it is time to purge those pacifiers don't you think? Cole has been without them since August; it is Mommy who can't seem to let them go :)

Mom Monday

You Know You're A Mom When...

- You realize you slept all night with a toy in your bed.

- You clean up toys, a dinner, laundry and it seems to reappear almost instantly.

- There is always food under the chairs of your dinner table.

- Peeing in the living room is acceptable.

- You use the lick and wipe maneuver.

- Your pumpkin has holes, digs and stab marks in it in addition to its carved face.

What do you have to add?

Self Pity

Work is tough lately. My personal life is tough lately. With that comes no motivation to work out or eat as well as I have been. I came home from work today (after being off this morning and having a great time with Cole getting his 2 year pictures taken) feeling like I had worked all day and feeling totally defeated. I vented to my husband the best I could while he tried to start dinner and wrangle our very active little boy. He suggested a glass of wine and a bath after Cole went to bed and then a movie. Sounded good but I was still high strung from the stress. I didn't even feel like going to get the movie but I got my butt off the couch and did it. On my way back from getting the movie as I was wallowing in my self-pity I literally had a light bulb moment. I have a lot to be thankful for; my life is not that bad, people have it worse...why am I feeling sorry for myself? I can control the way I react to this stress. I don't have to stop exercising and lay on the couch and dwell. I don't have to eat french fries every night because it is easier. I don't have to eat a whole box of cookies because they "make me feel better." There may be some tough things in my life right now but there is also a lot of good and I need to be thankful for that and enjoy that. I guess I needed to give myself a swift kick in the butt! I think there was some Divine intervention that happened in in those 10 minutes it took me to drive home from the store. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes. I am off to enjoy giving my son a bath and then I am going to take the time to cook myself a dinner. And yes, I just might have that long bath, glass of wine and movie to :)

2 Year Check Up

Cole had his 2 year check up (gasp!) on Monday. I still have a hard time believing my little boy is 2. I feel so blessed.

He did great. He has come so far socially. He has always been a cautious kid (I don't like to call him shy as they say not to label kids like that) and at first it worried me but now I appreciate the fact he likes to check things and people out before diving in. I think it is a good way to be in life.

Anyway, when the doctor came in (Cole has always seemed to like him) he started talking to him right away, telling him about his birthday party, etc. He also let the doctor hold him (this shocked me) and he ran to him several times from me (so the doctor could check his gait.) I was impressed. The doctor also said his speech was doing great (remember I was concerned about this about a year a go? I am a speech therapist you know!) I worked with him and I am happy with his progress. He talks in 2-3 word sentences, repeats everything and has all the speech sounds he should. The doctor said he was talking a lot especially for a boy :) He agreed he has great motor and fine motor skills and eats well. He is in the 90th percentile still for height and weight (36 3/4 inches and 32 lbs...this is what I have gotten at home...I forgot to pay attention at the doctors...rangling a very active little boy occupies most of my mind!) and he said to take the food reaction he seems to be having (possibly to garlic) in stride since it is mild right now (a red ring around his mouth for like an hour and then nothing.)

I am excited to move him up to Children' dosage medicine because he is so big for his age I think we have been underdosing him when he has needed it. His "man parts" look great but I have heard that before and he has gotten adhesions. We see the urologist again next Friday...sigh.

He got his flu shot and it was kind of funny because I talked to him about it while we were waiting for the nurse and told him (and showed him) how it would be a little pinch. I explained why it was important and how Mommy had one. He seemed nervous but willing. Then he saw the needle and tried with all his might to keep his pants up...lol. He recovered quickly but immediately informed me it was not a little pinch but a "big pinch." LOL. Bless his heart. As I was paying he wandered off on his own around the corner to play with a toy he liked at the office. He stayed there by himself just occasionally saying, "Mommy" to make sure I was still nearby. This may sound small but they are big steps for him.

I guess that is about it. The check-up was mainly uneventful and that is what we like! Oh, and I almost forgot...he got a book from the nurse, which he LOVES. Who says going to the doctor isn't fun? :)

Working Hard...

Sunday = So True

This the quote on my page for today for those of you reading this Monday or later...

There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope. – George Eliot (1819-1880)

And, the sermon today in church was wonderful. It was about trusting in God and learning to trust in unanswered prayers.

And, the last hymn was one of my favorites...

"Here I am Lord"- Words and Music by Daniel L Schutte© 1981

I, the Lord of sea and sky,I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,My hand will save.

Chorus:Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, who made the stars of night,I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Chorus:Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.

Chorus: Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I will break their hearts of stone, Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my words to them.
Whom shall I send?

Chorus: Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of wind and flame,I will send the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.

Chorus: Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

Finest bread I will provide,'Til their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?

Chorus: Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

Needless to say I was in tears at the end of the service today. It spoke to me so much. It was just what I needed. Thank you Lord.

Chalk Bunnies = Fun!

It's a Good Thing...

...that this little man is so stinking cute! It makes pulling my butt out of bed before 6 AM EVERY morning INCLUDING weekends worth it. Yes, we are still getting up at 6 AM (sometimes several times earlier than that to assure him we will wake him) for Chugginton. This little man loves trains and has a soft spot for Chugginton. My husband and I took him to a Chugginton event at a local store today that turned out to be a major bust. They had a few trains, a matching game, a couple of free episodes of the show you can't download until February and that was it! I even called the store to be sure it would be worth the long drive and they said they would be having giveaways, new Chugginton products, etc. Oh well, it was a day out as a family, Cole enjoyed looking at all the toys in the toy store and we bought a potty seat! It can't get any better than that right? :)

Happy 2nd Birthday Cole!

On this day at this time my world changed forever. Never could I have imagined how much I could instantly love something so small and that with each day my love would seem to double.

In the blink of an eye you were born...

In another blink you were 1 year old...


In another blink you are 2 years old...


Happy Birthday Buddy!

I love you as much as the choo-choo. I love you as much as the gate that goes up and down. I love you as much as the light that goes blink-blink. I love you as much as the bell that goes ding-ding. I love you to the moon. (This is the nightly routine Cole goes through when I ask him if he knows how much I love him :) )

I love you more than you will ever know. May all your birthday wishes come true little man.

Poll Results: Ghosts/Spirits

Wow. Is there going to be a poll lately that I am not surprised?! I cannot believe how many of you believe in Ghosts/Spirits. I do not remember what I put (I swear lately I would forget my head if it wasn't attached!) but since I believe in God and I believe those who have gone to be with God are "watching over me" I guess I should say I do believe?

When Eliza first passed away I swore I felt her with me at times. Whether I just wanted that or was looking more for it I don't know, but there were times I could honestly feel here there.

I am wondering, for those of you who believe, why? Have you felt a ghost or spirit? Is it your faith? What makes you believe?

My Heart Breaks...

If you want the whole story from beginning to end go to www.lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com. I do not know this family personally but I stumbled onto the story through a friend's blog. Basically, Leslie Joy Evans died last week at age 28 after delivering her twins prematurely (they also did not survive) Leslie survived for about 10 days after the birth at the end of Sept.

The story gets even more sad I am afraid. She married a man who lost his first wife (whom he had 3 children with) to cancer 2 years ago. He married Leslie a little over a year ago. Leslie lost a Sister-in-Law in June too.

Both families have had so much loss it seems. My heart breaks for them all, for the husband, the families, the children, Leslie and her twins. This is where I struggle with my faith the most. Why so much hurt on one family?

If you go to check out the site, be sure to click on the video posted. It is her singing. She had an AMAZING voice. Also, the circle of prayer that occurred outside the hospital she was in was so touching...it brought tears to my eyes.

Sorry to share such a sad story. I feel it is worth mentioning though as I have said prayers for the family and I am sure they could use all they can get.

Stories like this make you so thankful for what you have at this present moment.

Mom Monday

You Know You are A Mom When...

- You consider driving over an hour to an event that basically is looking at some toys you could buy and some coloring just because you think your son might enjoy it since it involves his FAVORITE characters.

- You wake up at a little before 6:00 AM EVERY morning to be sure to wake your son for his favorite cartoon.

- You are awake in the VERY early AM a lot lately because your son is up because he doesn't want to miss his favorite cartoon.

- You invest in earplugs to drown out your son's crying because he wants to get up at 3 AM in order to be sure he doesn't miss his favorite cartoon.

- You wake panicked and wake your husband because it is 6:45 AM and instead of being happy you all slept in you both freak because you realize you missed your son's favorite cartoon!

Yes people, this has been my life the past couple weeks. I don't let Cole watch TV except for right before I head to work and he has taken to Chugington. He LOVES it. It used to be on later in the morning on weekends but now it is on at 6 AM every morning so you bet we are there! My husband says it is the one cartoon he can stand that Cole likes :) I on the other hand don't like it because it is cutting in on my sleep! :) Curse you Chugington! (Not really, because you know you're a Mom when anything your son likes you do, even if means cutting in on your beauty sleep.) :)

10-10-10 at 10:10

I was in church on 10-10-10 at 10:10 A.M. It was Mission Sunday and as part of the Mission group I was asked to hand out checks to be given to our local food pantry and our local domestic violence group so I did not have Cole. Our Minister stopped what was going on (a hymn was immediately stopped) and said a very powerful message that I will not attempt to try to quote. The main point was to remember that on this day and time that had such great significance that you were in a safe place, a loving place, a wonderful place. It really was touching how she put it. I wont forget it. It was so perfect too because as I mentioned, we were giving out checks to help those who are hungry and abused by the hands of someone who was supposed to love them. I gave thanks at that moment for the fact that I do not go hungry and do not suffer at the hands of domestic abuse. On 10-10-10 at 10:10 I was happy, loved, satisfied, and filled with God's love.

"Cole did it!"

This is what I heard from the bathroom after I stepped out to answer my cell phone. I was talking to my husband about how I was going on 30 minutes sitting in the bathroom with Cole at my mother's house and I would probably be longer. Cole has been waking up dry from naps some so he did this time and I put him on the potty. I told Cole I was going to check to see if he did indeed "do it". I was not expecting to actually see pee in the potty! There it was though! I was so excited I praised him over and over and Cole seemed to think it was no big deal other than announcing he wanted to call Me-me, Papa, and Itie (Kristi) to tell them :) I was not surprised it was such a small amount as I felt he probably started to go and stopped when he realized what was happening. It turns out, as I was getting him dressed and diapering him for home that the back of his pants were wet. I then realized the floor under his potty chair was. Apparently he had a little trouble holding his "man parts" down when he peed. I didn't care though...he still peed in the potty! Needless to say he went home without pants though :) So proud of my big boy! He hasn't gone since on the potty but it is a first step right?

Mom Monday

You Know You're A Mom When...

- You spend an afternoon after work coloring anything outside that will hold chalk
- Your driveway has mini pot holes in it not from mother nature but from the acts of an almost 2 year old
- You care when a balloon flies into the sky because it broke free
- You stay up until 1:30 in the morning making a cake because you have to keep going in to settle a restless boy
- You are much better at just laughing at mishaps versus getting angry
- You get excited about Seasame Street Live coming to your area
- You spend hours finding and reading reviews on just the right birthday present for a certain someone
- You can no longer "walk and chew gum" at the same time :)

Happy Birthday!

I can't let Sunday go without stopping to wish my sister a very happy birthday. She lives out-of-state now so we didn't celebrate it together (we will when she stops up for a visit for Cole's actual birthday for which we will have a family party.) I was thinking of her on Sunday though.

Kristi is amazing. I really am lucky to have the siblings I do. Although they are each very different from me and thus do things that sometimes frustrate me (as I am sure I do them) I honestly couldn't ask for better siblings.

My sister and I fought like crazy for many years until we each moved out of the house and started living on our own. We then began to appreciate the other more. She is outgoing and full of life and always has a smile on her face. She is sensitive and she is smart. She is independent yet she loves her friends and family deeply. My sister is my polar opposite but she is a piece that helps make me whole.

Happy Birthday Kristi! I hope it is a good one. You deserve the best.

Super Saturday and Sunday

We needed it after the week we had starting on Wednesday.

Wednesday- We get a call as we are rushing off to swim lessons for Cole that my Brother-in-law (husband's brother) has had blurred vision in one eye since Sunday and was told today that he most likely has a brain tumor (WHAT!?)

Thursday- We are told that hopefully my Brother-in-law can get an MRI today but we are not sure. If not he will have to wait until Monday (WHAT?!) He gets the MRI. He is told that it looks a lot like MS but they can't rule out a brain tumor. He will find out the results of the MRI in 24-48 hours.

Friday- We are told my Brother-in-law was called and told the neurologist wants to see him ASAP. We all hope for the best but fear the worst. We get news my brother-in-law does not have a brain tumor. It is MS. His vision should return but may need steroids to help it. His vision will most likely come and go as a result of optic neuritis, which is often a "first sign" in MS. My brother-in-law will go back for more detailed consultation at some point and will require an MRI every year. Believe it or not we all breath a sigh of relief. MS sucks but at least we know my brother-in-law is okay for now. Who knew we would be hoping for MS? We don't breath too much of a sigh of relief though because 1. MS is serious too and 2. My brother-in-law has no insurance. Sigh...

Saturday- Cole has his friend birthday party. My mother-in-law is able to attend and hopefully have some joy after what has been a horrible week for her. Cole has fun with his friends and is sad that "party all done" as he kept saying :) Cole enjoys playing with his birthday gifts and takes a good nap (after refusing to for several days) with his new wodden toy train in his crib :) He also insists on going to bed for the night with it!

Sunday- Cole and I go apple picking with the Sunday School group from my church. Cole LOVES apple picking. He has a great time and enjoys the apple from it so much he eats into the core and swallows a seed before I can catch him! He then announces to anyone who will listen, "Eat seed! Eat core!" :) He happily falls asleep in the car ride home with goldfish, popcorn and pretzels in hand :)

Fertility Friday

Well it is another Fertility Friday and I am beginning to wonder if I am even fertile anymore. Sigh...God's timing is perfect, I know. (Patience is not my greatest attribute in case you haven't noticed.)

I have digressed though; what I wanted to address this Fertility Friday is other people's pregnancies. I have had several close friends get pregnant who are all due soon (4 to be exact) and a few blogger friends as well. Several people, including my friends, say it must be hard to see someone else close to you get pregnant.

It is hard to see anyone pregnant.

I think sometimes that pregnant ladies or those with babies must think I am strange at times and hurry away because they catch me staring at them. It is hard not to look on with longing though.

With that said, I initially may feel a tinge off sadness come over me when a friend is pregnant each time I see them or hear their stories but that is it. Just a fleeting pain and then it is over. What I feel the most is happiness for them. It is hard but not as hard as you think. I would not wish my situation on anyone but I would also not wish for someone else NOT to have what I want so desperately either. I am truly happy for my friends and others. It is okay to share your stories with me and inundate me with pictures. I love it. I truly honestly do. Any pain or sadness I may feel is consumed with the happiness I feel for you immediately after. So, if you ever have felt like you can't or shouldn't share with me because it may be too painful, don't feel that way. It isn't. It hurts but the joy I feel is greater.

The one thing that does hurt? People who get pregnant accidentally and didn't want the pregnancy/don't want it. People who mistreat their children. People who shouldn't have children that do anyway. That is what hurts. That hurts because I want it so badly and you don't and you abuse that wonderful blessing that I long to have again. That is what hurts the most. That is what I can't understand. That is what makes me ask God, "why?"

Thank you all who continue to pray for me. Your prayers are much appreciated.